Sew Necessary

Put your hand up if you like mending. Anyone? Anyone at all? … I thought not. Neither do I.

It is one of those pesky little chores that I put off for as long as possible. It’s not that I don’t know how to sew on a missing button – it’s more the fact this little chore always seems to consume an inordinate amount of time, what with hauling out the sewing box; threading needles; hunting for the missing button that I had put in a very safe place… so safe I can’t find it again.

However tedious it is though, it must be done. There is nothing more slovenly than gadding about in disreputable garments. Which means said garments are pulled off the hanger only to be immediately returned to them, unworn, when I realise I have not re-attached that belt loop, or replaced that button.

There is nothing more slovenly than gadding about in disreputable garments.

So, sew. My sewing box is actually a vintage tin, which I find more aesthetically appealing that one of those sewing boxes upholstered in tapestry fabric available from haberdashers. I have sorted out its contents into clear plastic bags so I can locate the required notion with minimum fuss. I also have a mini sewing kit for my bag – coincidentally a vintage-style tin that has become battered through the years.

Once upon a time I even knew how to operate a sewing machine. Back in high school I studied textiles in grade 7. None of our projects were particularly ambitious, but I still have one of the items I made from scraps scrounged from my older sister Blossom: a pencil case with the word ‘love’ spelled out on it.

One day I shall actually take that sewing machine mum bought me a couple of years ago out of storage and learn how to use it.

“Curiouser and Curiouser!” cried Tatiana

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Last time in Wonderland, we saw Tatiana play fast and loose with a bottle of absinthe, and shrink to a tiny ten inches.

This transpired to be only a slight setback, as Tatiana conveniently discovered a small piece of cake that served to reverse the unfortunate effect of imbibing a trifle too much of liqueur de wormwood.

If only this were true in real life. Sore head? Hungover? Falling down rabbit holes and dallying with vanishing cats? Don’t worry! Eat a piece of cake and all these disconcerting symptoms and other sundry effects will quickly disappear.*

*Advertiser’s disclaimer: We do not recommend eating too much cake as this may have a deleterious effect on your waistline as well as your height.

Oh, Golly, I can't believe I've won!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this year we’ve been treated to several show-stopping dress-ups from Princess Tatiana, and this of all nights we’d like to acknowledge her for her efforts. [Wild applause]

But first, why don’t we take another look at the year that was:

Nominated for Best Script: Snow White Meets Prince Charmless

Nominated for Best Art Direction: It’s Christmas Eve!

Nominated for Best Special Effects: Penny Grows Up … But is Still Lost in Space

Nominated for Best Costume: Get Into the 21^st Century, Cupid!

Nominated for Best Animation: Tatiana’s Adventures in Wonderland

And the best actress goes to … (drumroll please) … Princess Tatiana, for her role as … Tatiana! Why don’t we welcome her to the stage everyone. [More wild applause]

I can’t believe I’m holding this wonderful white, authentic Italian statue of a half-naked woman in my hands at last!

“Oh, golly! I can’t believe I won! Oh, I just don’t have the words!! I – I really didn’t think I’d win! I haven’t even prepared an acceptance speech! Gosh!!! I can’t believe I’m holding this wonderful white, authentic Italian statue of a half-naked woman in my hands at last!

"And really, first I must just commiserate – I mean, congratulate the four other utterly fantastic women for their wonderful acting ability! Just look at their smiles! Why, you’d think they were happy not to have won! I totally, totally look up to them! But I guess the best woman won… I mean, I mean, I guess it was just my lucky year this year!

"I just… I just have to thank… why, everyone! I just couldn’t have done it without you, my dear readers, without all the support and encouragement of all my loved ones!! I owe it all to having the best directors to work with, the most awesome script-writers, the most brilliant wardrobe consultants, the most wonderful art direction, the most flattering lighting technicians and camera operators, and simply marvellous Photoshopping and those little people in the cutting room… [Draws breath at last] I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all these wonderful people! [Sheds few tears] Oh, I … oh, I could go on, and on, there are just so many people to thank…!”

“But I am just so honoured, and thrilled…! Thank you, oh thank you! I promise I won’t talk for much longer…”

[Ad break]

Don’t forget to check out Princess Tatiana mugging for the camera in some extra shots in the Out-takes & Extras gallery.

Tatiana’s Adventures in Wonderland (Part One)

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No doubt you’ve heard all about Alice and her so-called adventures in Wonderland. There’s a biopic just come out about her by that marvellous and renowned documentarian, Tim Burton. Fiction. Don’t believe a word of it.

Well, it’s just lucky I’m here to dispel all those illusions and tell you the Truth.*

First of all: dream shmeam! There was no dream. That was just her family trying desperately to hush up what actually happened. It was all one big long hallucination. Wild parties and absinthe. Possibly even orgies (I can’t substantiate that allegation, however).

It was all one big long hallucination. Wild parties and absinthe.

“But she’s only a little girl!” I can hear you protesting. “Who’d let her at a bottle of the Green Fairy?”

I’ve always thought it quite remarkable how the truth can become distorted over time and slip slowly into legend. Just look at that apocryphal tale of the three little pigs. No, no. Alice was no innocent little girl. She was a young lady. If you could truthfully call her a lady… tsk-tsk! Such goings on!

Above you’ll see my own little re-enactment of what really happened.

Look out for more startling exposés in the coming weeks (including shocking debaucheries involving cakes).

*Author’s note: None of this is actually true.

Check out the All Dressed-Up gallery for still versions of the animation.

What I actually wore #0031

Serial #: 0031
Date: 03/09/2009
Weather: forecast 22°; a lovely, mild early spring day
Time Allowed: 10 minutes

Now that is a real blouse. I say that because no-one uses the word ‘blouse’ any more; it’s too out-dated. This is an out-dated blouse though, because it’s vintage. I love that the dyed quartz earrings are exactly the same shade of blue.

I rarely wear strapless garments, but teaming this bright blouse with it turns this neutral dress into a Statement Dress. I wanted something a little exciting, as I was working at the art gallery for a few days.

As it’s only a 20 minute walk from home, I took a chance and wore heels to walk there (usually I don walking shoes of some sort – NOT runners, let me assure you!). These snakeskin heels are old favourites from Zomp, bought many years ago. On another occasion walking to work one of the heels snapped, to my horror. Fortunately the shop was near my office at the time, and I was able to drop past at lunchtime. The shoes had then been worn only a few times, and although I no longer had a receipt, the sales assistant looked up their records and immediately organised a replacement pair for me! I was truly impressed; what great customer service.

My other hero is this handbag. I really like how the buffalo-hide (or it could be cow-hide) clashes with the snakeskin shoes. I totally fell in love with this bag 3–4 years ago in Stanley Market in Hong Kong. I had gone to China on a business trip with a colleague, bookended by one and a half days of shopping in Hong Kong. What a fabulous whir that was!

On that trip, our shopping motto became: “Buy it! When are you next going to be in Hong Kong?”

On the last day of our trip, I dragged Aurora all over the city; Stanley Market was just one of our destinations. I spotted the bag early on, but as it was expensive, I decided to think about it while we explored the rest of the market. I found a lovely cream cashmere shawl trimmed with rabbit fur that I still use (it’s currently draped over an armchair, ready for chilly autumnal evenings), a diamanté belt, and some rare black onyx beads, among other things.

On that trip, our shopping motto became: “Buy it! When are you next going to be in Hong Kong?” (How many times have I heard people lament not buying souvenirs, because it wouldn’t fit in their bag, or they didn’t really need it? That, cough-cough, doesn’t happen to me.)

With that in mind, I returned to the handbag stall only to find some American woman eyeing it off. To my relief, she decided against the purchase, and I became the proud new owner. I am so glad I did buy it; I haven’t been back to Hong Kong since, and the bag has drawn so many compliments over the years from friends and strangers. My sister Star has even claimed the bag should I ‘ever get tired of it’. Sorry Star, that won’t happen!

Items:

Dress: Barkins
Blouse: Edith Hart, vintage from Shag
Earrings: Larama (boutique no longer open)
Rings: Roun
Watch: Kenneth Cole
Bag: Stanley Market, Hong Kong
Shoes: Zomp